you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
