for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
