dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
