If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
