Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
