I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
