wat bout pragnant strippers??
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize