I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
