k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pants are for mortals
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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