i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i will never coherently bang her
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
