some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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