fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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