You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
