Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
