Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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