apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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