and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
