the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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