i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
