ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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