Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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