i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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