I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
