btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
