I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
