I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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