so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize