Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
