I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He shit in the fireplace
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
