I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
