Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
