Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
accomplished twins. life is a go
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
