He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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