Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
