I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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