i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
