he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
