mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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