Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
