Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
