o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Every concussion has its silver lining
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
