Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
