Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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