At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We were destined to go to rehab together
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
