if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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