planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
