New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize