thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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