She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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