I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
