Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
