We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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