dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
do nipples grow back?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
