You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
