he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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