my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
