my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
